I went through a break up in the middle of recording my firs..

I went through a break up in the middle of recording my first solo album. it mirrored a pattern of my partners freaking out at me (actual yelling at me) once I start to pursue my solo artistry. I have always invited them in to witness or help or just be there for me. they create a conflict, wont let it go, wont say sorry or try to resolve. then I break it off, and it hurts for everyone.

I dont accept that treatment.

this one involved a co-owned LLC that we had to dissolve after the fact, and he got unnecessarily nasty after sending an (unnecessary) attorney to mitigate assets~ I am grateful, as it officially burned the bridge of connection so aggressively it lit up the truth. i did not want to burn it, and I did not burn it, and now it is burned.

it has taken me four months to process from deep sadness to anger. this is excellent news. when my dad died, it was deep sadness for about 8 years before i touched anger. my therapist has a metaphor-- actually it's just an onion. whichever emotion you start with is the outside layer of the onion, and the center of it is the other. sadness outside, anger inside. anger outside, sadness inside. i started with deep sadness and have processed through so much of it that last week when I started feeling anger I got excited. four months from eight years means i'm getting better and faster at processing naturally because i have been aware of the layers and given myself grace through it all.

the difference between me and this person right now is that i am interested in being aware of my flaws, the way i hurt people, and i am willing to do the work to consider other's feelings and grow from it. all without trying to hurt the other person. and without compromising my integrity and agency.

i go towards someone when there is conflict, because my old survival trained me to retreat. i have worked on so many things about myself for these very difficult moments, and i am so proud of it. i have reflected on so many ways I could have done better through this. with the circumstance I was in, I know I did my best. the growth from this lesson makes me teary because it is so big.

always comes back to: where do I stop listening to myself? when do I get on autopilot? when do I attach to an idea versus staying starkly honest in the present? how do I get back to myself?

anyway. I was so excited about this anger. the words havent processed enough to write my own songs (my best lyrics are a layer after I've fully emotionally processed-- like, poetic/mysterious/subconscious). so I reached out to Jesse (who brought in producer Peter) to co-write from this space. she is excellent at shaping words into pop/relatable phrases, and her melodies are wooooosh. makes me better. our powers combined put me in such an amazing space that I did some last minute ad-libs that came straight from my open heart.

here is a little teaser sound of what we wrote ✨