nada es igual, nada es igual, nada
i feel like im lost. I used to be the person who knows exactly what to do what to act on next. I wake up then i know my purpose of the day. I know exactly what my next step is. I dont now. I feel lost. I mean yes i want to be a super star, and the whole world is waiting for it to happen. i know it cuz i know how much i'll shine. But.......umm i dont know?! will it ever happen? ughhh here we go again im self doubting again.....i know perfectly that this mindset is setting me up for failure. Gotta change it. Anyways... its me, im actually super insecure. anyways going to bed! lm sick today
lovee u byebye
i think you guys are gonna like this picture haha.
ive kinda lost myself these days. i dont know what to do. On one hand i wanna keep improving my musical skills, on the other hand i really need to be financially independant. To do that, i have been studying tiktok.. But honestly tiktok is quite stupid...... all the dance and lipsync and all that. But its a platform for more people to get to know me so i guess i have to do it. But doing it has me sacrifice a lot of my time when i couldve used it to make music....... So i have stopped making music for a while but then my tiktok isnt very successful yet, which makes me feel like.... I'm not good at anything. i know its not true but, im lost.......
Anyways im tired ive been thinking a lot. Good night everyone have a good day. Life is so not easy...sigh
I saw that a lot of old subscribers are coming back omg thank you!!!!!! 🥰 I'll post more and more often I promise!! I love you 😭 Thank you for helping me to be financially independent. I'm still not there yet but you guys are definitely helping me a lot a lot!!
Anyways, Ive been having some panic attacks from time to time. I'm pretty stressed out. Not just from my business but also my body. Eating disorder is excruciating....
I've been putting a lot of ideas on tiktok. I wanna help pay family bills. In fact, I NEED TO help pay family bills....... Things are getting complicated...... For the first time in my life I think I know what anxiety actually is. I have had moments when I felt like I was so stressed that I couldn't breathe at all.......
I'll start posting more often on here as well from now on. Guys I really appreciate your support! I will try to be even sexier!😏😊
Love yall.
I was just practicing piano. I really miss home. It's been 9 months.
Lately I been a bit confused. Am I gonna make it and bring home good news? I don't know. One thing I know is that I got it. I'm special and I got it. I know I do. but when will they see me?
Hi how's everything everybody
So to recap what I have been doing these months-
coping with depression and learning more musical skills.
I discovered that I could sing whistle notes. And my vocal teacher was very impressed haha. Also I'm getting back on track with my body. Working out frequently and learning how to cook. I'm getting better and stronger again. I don't stop. It's time to keep moving forward!
guys I just wanna say
thank you so much for waiting and supporting still.
I been dealing with my mental health and I'm getting back on track slowly. so yea I'll be back soon! Stay tuned! Love you guys
Day?
Some selfies.
I've been living in a hostel for about 2 weeks. everything seems to be getting better, except that I know my problem is still there. I'm not happy around my friends anymore. yea I met some friends here at the hostel. but I knew something was not the same anymore. I'm so self abused now. I feel like I'm inferior.
Also my grandmother was hospitalized. I'm very very very worried about her. She will be better though I know it. Though I'm still worried. I don't know what to do. I feel helpless.
Also I feel disgusting and ugly and fat. I'm the worst. I'm super anxious these days. Where am i? what have I done ?what am I doing? I feel like wasting my life. omg too many things going on.
Day ?
I moved to a hostel this week. I feel like living in a hotel really isolated me. I feel like I need to me et some people and maybe that will help with my depression. I also am trying to keep me on my toes.
I love it here at the hostel. I did me et a lot of friends who are super nice. I really think it helped. because I thought people were not gonna be friends with me because I'm ugly, I'm fat and I'm a loser. Like who d wanna be friends with me. But they are all very friendly! Yea so now I'm living in a hostel. Oh I'm going to school now too. Haven't gone to school for 2 months because of depression. But hey I feel like I'm doing better (maybe, knock on the woods)
To all my fans who are still supporting me:
THANK YOU. Thank you for still being here when I'm down. I couldn't have expected more. I love you guys so much thank you for staying with me. I know I haven't been the happiest person, the most productive creator. but seeing you guys still being here after so many leaving, I feel encouraged, I feel touched. I do need this! and so I really really wanna give you guys a BIG hug! !!!!
Don't worry I won't stop posting on here! 🥺
I love you guys so much and thank you thank you thank you💜💜💜💜💜
day ?
you guys must think I don't update anymore
WRONG!!!!!
I'm still updating! maybe less frequent since I'm dealing with my depression. But! I'm strong so I'll pull it through.
I've been writing songs. I wrote a song called Fucking Loser. Personally don't really feel like it's an amazing song but I played it to my friends. And they all loved it and think it's a great song. haha well I tried to put my thoughts, everything I perceive into the song. I love songwriting.
And ok yesterday I saw a shrink for the first time in my life. Honestly, didn't help much. Maybe it's because it's still the first session. My friend said it's the meds I need to be taking.
Sorry guys for the belated update. I'll try to post as much as I can. And I know a lot of people are unsubscribing as well. that's ok. I don't really want a lot of people to see my vulnerable side. When I was normal I was such a confident, strong and beautiful woman. I knew for sure I got it all but when I'm depressed. it's a 180 degree change.
It's raining in Barcelona. I miss home so much. and I don't know when I will be able to go home.......
Day?
I'm depressed. I thought going on vacation in morroco would cheer me up. I was wrong. I'm more depressed now. I got back to Barcelona today to seek help. first time getting a shrink, I hope they help.
day ?
Hi. I'm in Morocco again. this is my second time here. I've been writing songs these days.... I really wanna win a Grammy. I will keep working hard for it
day?
ok I'm here guys. sorry I've been distracted lately, as I should honestly. I've gone back to songwriting mode. this is my video after Iworked out . I love sweat I love exercise. I'm trying to get back and I think workout really helps
Day?
I see my fans on here are getting less and less. I'm actually not upset about it because I feel like what I share here is extremely personal and intimate to me. both of my pictures and my thoughts. So the smaller the circle is, the closer i can feel with you guys. Just you guys and me, im happy enough to be your friend. 😊
trying hard to put myself together dont worry about me guys! This is life!! Life is supposed to be like this. you have happy moments and sad moments !! Although, happy moments usually last a short time and sad moments a longer time...... and when ur happy ur not like... extremely happy but when ur sad we tend to be extremely sad......ugh..........such is life I guess.
My friend came back to Spain the day before yesterday I'm happier cuz I'm having some company now.
day?
I'm literally falling apart. had a mental breakdown today. it's happened to me before. I don't like depression. I wish it go away sooner. I feel like a failure, loser. I feel like I'm left behind.
Day ?
Here's the original picture from IG.
So lately, I'm depressed again. I don't see the future again. and I feel like I'm already 22 and everything is too late. I've always been thinking, how come there are people that were born in rich family hence the brilliant education and then they make it before everybody. Like why? Isn't life supposed to be fair? I know it's not but, my family has never been rich and I had to find my own interests I had to learn everything on my own. I had to get what I want through hard work, through hustling, through hooking, through posting sexy pictures online . I had to get my guitar through that. I had to go to Spain through that. I had to do everything through my own efforts. Whereas, there are just people, they wanna learn such and such, they call up their parents and they get what they want AND better education. I had to learn English on my own whereas some were born in foreign countries congenitally. The dreamland for me to do music is where some people are sick of because they ve been there since the minute they were born. I have to do everything on my own yet some already got everything that I own through efforts by birth.
Is life fair? I don't even know. sometimes I think yea it is though because of hardships and obstacles I'm stronger and tougher! But when you see rich yo ung kids are making it yet you are still struggling... I don't know any more.
Time will tell if life is fair, I guess. I need to keep fighting.
Day 12?
Whole video of me ripping off my pantyhose hahaha
Lately, I'm trying to slowly get back to being normal. So yea.. I hope things will be fine again. I wanna do so many things but when I'm depressed i don't wanna do anything so I have to get my shit together! I can't waste time!
btw when I search dragon fruit on Amazon, it's all seeds of dragon fruit I'm like whaaat 😑 definitely taobao in china is better
Day?
Some selfies. Getting depressed again and under pressure so lately I've kinda abandoned social media. I wanna go back to the normal life. I've even lost interests in practicing. when I start focusing I'll just be thinking, why am I even trying? ive tried so hard for years and look at me, still a failure. (and there are so many people who made it without even putting out so much efforts.....🤒) But I still don't give up. So I'm just feeling like I'm growing up very slowly. I need a break . but there is no break in life. so what can I do. keep going. idk.........
some selfies
also guys although I update my insta quite slowly recently, on onlyfans it'll Still be the same cuz I quite like the idea of this, I feel like writing a diary.
anyways love u all
Day?
Hii Happy Chinese new year to yall!
Again, I celebrated Chinese new year alone. Went to my normal routine life. Practice, class and stuff. I really really do miss my family.😭😭😭
I feel like my life has again reduced to self doubt and self blaming. When I see all these artists who have made it, I feel like a failure.
Day?
It's Chinese new year tomorrow. I really miss them. I'm all alone in Spain. ALL ALONE. Sometimes I think maybe I could use a friend or two. but then at a second thought, guess that's just not for me. because they can take up your a lot of time. I'm tired. and very very nostalgic. I miss home
Day ?
So! I've been trying to figure out the song Californication by ear. Thought it was easy but IT IS SO NOT! a lot of nuance, different phrases they sound the same but the details...... Goshhhh it's quite hard.
Went to a music studio today, got introduced to a very talented producer. And I played one of the song I wrote to him and he instantly liked it! (btw this studio really is "la hostia", like gosh it's just my heaven cuz it's full of the Beatles. from the record to the cups from the walls to the floor everything is about the Beatles 😭I'm so happy ) So the producer, who's a big fan of the Beatles like me liked the song I wrote! And we got to sit down and record it. I'm happy haha though when I hear my voice.. I just can't 😂 I Hate my own voice as much as he says I sound good.....anyways so let's see what we'll do from here!
tired tired tired. 😫 but I'm youn g. I guess If I don't spend my youth being tired working my ass off then I'm only wasting my youth. cuz when else in your life will you be feeling like doing so and making your life better?
Also my drums teacher said I'm making progress and I'm quite happy 🤭
okokok so here you are guys enjoy the pics
Day?
I think you guys are gonna like this picture haha.
Recently. Not much been going on. Stayed in for the whole weekend. Not much appetite. Went out Friday night. not much fun either and it was cold.
I looked back at the songs I wrote almost a year ago, I realized that they were actually not bad! But I still feel ashamed to sing my songs to people. I don't know why. I think the way I think ashames me.. idk why... just feeling unw illing to show my thoughts to people. and I know eventually I can't be like this. But that's why I have so many songs written that I wouldn't show to people. I'm so weird.
Anyways hope you guys had a good weekend. And give me more likes and comments under every post!! Would be great go get some tips too 🤣🤣😋😋😋😘 love u guys
Day 103
trying to get back on track! Had a tiring day. Woke up at 8.30 went straight to practice drums and piano. Went to hunt for apartments. Then home took a nap before I went to my flamenco lesson. practiced again guitar and bass.
Had a lot of thoughts about myself and my future and why I'm off lately. I want to be in my immersion zone again. Just write and write and write songs...
Day ???????
I'm not happy. I'm all alone. I know the winners all have to take the path less walked. I know winners are all alone. But I'm also very insecure. I don't know if I'll make it. I used to be so sure I will. No I don't know anymore. It looks like a dead end alley. idk.
I've also been super irritated, agitated, emotional, anxious lately. Feel like everything is going against me. I feel like my life is not exciting anymore. it's stuck in the rut. Something needs to be changed.
SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE CHANGED.
Day 9?
Can you guys believe I still haven't found an apartment yet? It's been a month! it's not that I'm picky but just the red tape for renting an apartment in Spain makes everything IMPOSSIBLE omg! I'm in despair......
Anyways so somebody said to me today, that Spain is not the music center of Europe. London is. And that maybe I should travel there for a month or two. To see what's going on there. Should I do this guys? I'm genuinely thinking about it🤔 what's your opinion ?🤔🤔😘
wink and smile for you guys 💗
day 98
I lost 30+ euros when I was out tonight. Worst of all, before I went out I had a feeling that I would lose something today so I specifically kept it so well. Still I lost the money. Fucking dumbass me. I sometimes really hate myself for being unprecedentedly stupid 🙃 😫😫😫😫😫
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me now!still pouting🥲
Day 93 in Barcelona
I been sad idk why. But I keep trying. I'm not giving up. I still go to practice every day and I keep practicing 5 instruments a day, as much as all I feel like doing is stay home and be sad.
Anyways. Hi tomorrow! hope you treat me better!
