themichellejeanfree

#whoremembers If you first read that as ‘whore members’ we’r..

#whoremembers 

If you first read that as ‘whore members’ 

we’re probably already friends

Just because a woman likes your picture or status on social ..

Just because a woman likes your picture or status on social media does not mean she wants to see a picture of your wiener.

Once you have seen a women take off her bra without removing..

Once you have seen a women take off her bra without removing her shirt, it makes more sense why they should be in charge of things. 

Spark Joy! 

Spark Joy! 

When you fall on your face you’re still moving forward. 

When you fall on your face 

you’re still moving forward. 

We don’t lick people. ~Lies adults tell to kids~

We don’t lick people. 

~Lies adults tell to kids~

You call it coffee, I call it my emotional support beverage.

You call it coffee, 

I call it my emotional support beverage.

I need 100K and a hug right now. Please don’t hug me without..

I need 100K and a hug right now. 

Please don’t hug me without the money.

My mind is like my internet browser19 tabs open3 of them are..

My mind is like my internet browser

19 tabs open

3 of them are frozen &

I have NO IDEA where 

the music is coming from. 

1+1=3 If you don’t use a condom.

1+1=3 

If you don’t use a condom.

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.

Being an adult is so weird. I’m just unsupervised all the ti..

Being an adult is so weird. I’m just unsupervised all the time? How unsafe.

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means ‘wow t..

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom 

that WTF means ‘wow that’s fantastic’ 

Her texts are so much more fun now.

I hate it when I forget my password and answer my secret que..

I hate it when I forget my password and answer my secret question wrong. It’s like I don’t even know me.

Some call it multi-tasking,I call it doing something else wh..

Some call it multi-tasking,I call it doing something else while I try to remember what I was doing in the first place. 

My 1st day as a crime scene investigator Detective: How did ..

My 1st day as a crime scene investigator 

Detective: How did this man drown?

Me: He couldn’t breathe underwater.

My brain said  “crunches” by my stomach auto-correct it to  ..

My brain said  “crunches” by my stomach auto-correct it to  “cupcakes”

Alcohol! Because no great story started with a salad.

Alcohol! 

Because no great story started with a salad.

A diamond is a chunk of coal that did well under pressure. 

A diamond is a chunk of coal that did well under pressure. 

Try to be a rainbow in someone else’s cloud.

Try to be a rainbow in someone else’s cloud.

There is no elevator to success. You have to take the stairs..

There is no elevator to success. 

You have to take the stairs.

You never fail until you stop trying. 

You never fail until you stop trying. 

D O N ’T   Q U I T 

D O N ’T

   Q U I T 

Work hard in silence, let your success be your noise.

Work hard in silence, let your success be your noise.

Welcome to the dark side, where all the fun stuff happens.

Welcome to the dark side, where all the fun stuff happens.

You know that tingle little feeling you get when you like so..

You know that tingle little feeling you get when you like someone…that is your common sense leaving your body.

If you are offended by the things I say just imagine the stu..

If you are offended by the things I say just imagine the stuff I hold back.

My ideal body weight, is yours on mine.

My ideal body weight, is yours on mine.

Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating bl..

Whatever you do, always give 100%. 

Unless you’re donating bl00d.