And we have come to the last part of my drama story. To sum up all the points of my nervous breakdown is
1. Problems with work, documents and salary. 2. Exploding brain from a large number of studiesto bring out my reach and platforms to attract the target audience. The opposite result of all my efforts. Lack of sales of my paintings. 3. Blocking my instagram (the main source of my life, damn it)
And the icing on the cake for my anxiety is the news that my best friend is expecting a baby.
While I am torn in the anguish and suffering of my worthless life. While I'm catching depressive thoughts and vibrations, my best friend is in the same state just for a different reason. She did not want it, it happened as it usually happens - RANDOMLY!
I have almost no friends, and my only friend with whom I shared my carefree time, my travels, smoking marijuana, etc., is faced with a choice. And I needed to pull myself together and support her.
This suggests that in the near future you need to radically change your lifestyle, forget about travel for a while, quit smoking, and reconsider many things in life. My friend also has enough problems, and this news, like a crushing blow right to the heart, split our lives.
I remember my hands were shaking just thinking about it. I heard her voice on the other end of the phone and couldn't help her. I can’t imagine what I would do if I were in such a situation, because for me now a сhild is a complexity of the highest scale. For her too. I will not describe you her whole life situation, just take my word for it. This news for us is a complete ass!
And here I am sitting in the middle of this collapsing shit called my life, and I don’t understand what to do. 🥲
my drama part 3 The next reason for my depression was on Instagram. As I said, I began to undergo training and did not sit idly by, I needed to earn money in order to deal with my salary and documents (see part 1 of my drama).
And at this moment, when I start to work hard and work hard in order to achieve my goal, Instagram decides to reward me with a shadowban.
I'm starting to see my stats go down, posts get blocked, and people send me screenshots of my page looking blank. My videos and posts are not recommended... For a month and a half I could not edit information about myself, change my avatar (all this was necessary for learning, yes, yes, it seems that this is just instagram, but this is my job, and almost my whole life is there)
In addition to everything that I wrote in the previous two parts of my drama story, there are problems with my instagram. I really just wanted to die. I was so burned out emotionally that I had no strength. I felt like everything around me was collapsing. This may seem like a minor issue to some, but I really put a lot of myself into it.
I constantly communicate with my subscribers, I answer almost everyone. Many already know more closely. I try to make time for everyone. I constantly write texts, open up to my audience, come up with content, shoot a lot of videos and photos. It's true, it's a very energy intensive job. And when things like this happen, it really upsets me.
Hi guys! I have an important question for you, answer honestly: would you mind if your girlfriend / wife posted hot photos on instagram?
You know how much I love photographing the human body, its beauty, curves and aesthetics. I believe that our body is unique, and that is why it is beautiful. Since guys are easier to photograph in this regard, sometimes I ask my friends to help me in realizing some creative ideas.
I'm telling you the situation: One day my friend saw my photos of these guys (I will attach a photo in the post). She was delighted with my photos and wanted a similar shoot.
My friend is not a model, she doesn't a ОF, and stripping in front of the camera is foreign to her, but The purpose of the shooting was to show - femininity, sensuality, passion, sexuality, without vulgarity and vulgarity.
I suggested a simple, concise look: a jacket on a naked body and trousers. Very simple, stylish and feminine. She agreed. We took this shot. She was delighted with the photos and so was I. We both couldn't decide which photo to share first.
But her man decided everything for us. He forbade her to show these photos online.
I was shocked, because I absolutely do not find anything vulgar or shameful in these pictures, on the contrary, I think that it is very beautiful and gentle.
To be honest, for me it is generally a shock when people in a relationship forbid something to each other. I don’t understand at all how it can be that you live your whole life as you want, but then you mееt a person who is completely unknown to you before, and he begins to dictate rules to you. How do you live, what photos to upload, where to go, with whom to communicate ...
I perceive this shooting as my work, as the fruit of the creative process. Photography is the result of how I see this world. It's like painting the most beautiful picture and not being able to show it to the world. It's terrible that I can't post these pictures :(
How do you think? Would you allow your significant other to post such photos?
PS: photos of girl is those same photos that the guy did not allow to upload
Lately I've been thinking a lot about transitional states. Few people are fixed in them, but there are many realizations in them.
You woke up and here it is a small, subtle moment of transition from dream to reality. Or you left the house and closed the door, and here it is the transition from the field of home atmosphere to the street, how does the feeling change just behind the closed door?
A completely different atmosphere, and you just took a step.
Here you can still be close to someone, the person said one word to you, after which you made a conclusion and now you are already strangers. Or you are on the eve of the New Year, the clock just goes past 00:00 and you are already in another year, or maybe in a new dimension.
Or you inhale and then exhale. This is also a transition. A certain state of meditation occurs if you fix your attention at such moments.
I once said that meditation is not necessarily a classical understanding of the lotus position, sounds, smells and the absence of thoughts. Meditation is when you know how to fix your attention in the present moment. Not in the past, not in the future, but here. Here right now.
Hundreds, thousands and millions of transitions from one state to another happen to us during our life. And the one who has learned to be in the moment now has learned real meditation.
He lives. He does not run into the future, does not remember the past, but lives in the bright present moment. Try at least sometimes to remember that the moment is only once. Get fixed in it. And live it to the fullest.
The second reason for my concern was in studing. Due to the fact that my business was not going well, I could not sit idly by. It was necessary to act. I decided that I needed to develop my Instagram profile with my paintings. Now the fastest way to advance is “reels”
I began to actively shoot videos for promotion and make content. It is quite difficult when you have absolutely no energy, inspiration and ideas. To all this is added the winter period, which gives us little light. So I had to get up very early and have time to do everything before it gets dark.
In parallel, I took two courses in algorithms and marketing. I was so obsessed with it that I literally fell asleep with a bunch of papers and notes in bed with my plan for the day and the content plan for all my platforms. I run 2 instagrams, twitter, and 3 third party platforms. For each, you need to come up with content, shoot it, have time to draw, respond to messages, undergo training, complete my challenge that I came up with for myself just during this period and go to stretching
I was very burned out emotionally. I cried literally every day from powerlessness and helplessness. I looked at others who do everything easily and compared myself. Against the background of others, I looked like a loser and my hands dropped.
My friend told me that I needed to rest, that I was going crazy, but it seemed to me that I still wasn't doing enough. I needed to earn money to pay for the apartment, food and solve issues with my salary (which I wrote about in the first part).
One day on December 2nd, I just gave up, once again looking at how I get the opposite result. I just lay on the floor and didn't want anything. I felt shattered into a thousand small pieces, I just burned 😭
Hi all I will write the second part of my story a little later. Now I want to congratulate you on the holidays.
I want to say to you all first of all a big thank you for your support. You are the best 🤍
Many of you I already know very well, because we constantly communicate. I know your stories and what kind of people you are. I am very glad that here I have only the best and most interesting personalities. You are like my little family, my secret community where I share the most intimate.
You see me naked not only in body but also in soul 😅🤍 You support me, and I support you. We have experienced the saddest and most joyful moments of life with you. I am grateful to each of you. Wish you have a good rest and have fun this Christmas holidays 🎅🏽
I give you all a big hug and send you lots of online hugs. Thank you for being here with me😘
Hi!!! Finally finished the post. I'll call it "My Drama" Part 1
One of the most important reasons for my bad condition is my work. You already know that I work as an official artist, I sell my paintings. This is necessary for me to have the opportunity to live here in Poland. My residence permit is directly related to my work. No job - no residence permit.
I signed an agreement with one startup. They give me the opportunity to live here and get a residence permit, and I, in turn, am obliged to collect a certain amount per month to my account in order to pay my salary, pay taxes and be an obedient citizen. Plus, every month I pay for the services of this startup separately.
But there was such a situation that I could not pay my salary since August, and then in mid-November they called me and said that I needed to urgently pay my salary for all 5 months (including December) by December 24, the amount is not small. Otherwise, my residence permit will be cancelled. I was so confused that I immediately fell into a state of anxiety. I started trying to do my best to sell a few paintings. But hands dropped. There were no orders.
By the way, thanks to everyone who did not remain indifferent to my stupid situation. You really helped me a lot with your help I was able to close almost two months 🤍
There were still three left, and something had to be done. I struggled so much with myself, constantly crying and worrying. I was afraid that I would not be able to solve this situation, because I even have nowhere to borrow such an amount.
Fortunately, I told a friend of mine about this and he was able to help me close another two months. I have already returned all the money to him and I am very grateful for the help. I still have one month left, but I don't have time to close it. Therefore, I will hope that after all the holidays I will be able to resolve this issue to the end. And everything will be alright.
If you want to help me, you can always purchase my paintings, calendars or posters. I want to give you something in return 🤍 I think this is a fair exchange
Today is the 20th day. 🔓today we will become a little closer, I will show my real self in these 20 days (scroll left)
How often behind beautiful pictures lies pain, fear, despair, tears, hatred, anxiety, self-flagellation and loneliness.
Feeling like the world around is collapsing. This is how I spend my days, this is my reality now. It is very difficult to find the strength to write and tell something. The head is empty and at the same time chaos. I do something because it is necessary, mechanically. I can't bear to be with myself, I constantly want to run away from myself, to be busy. I developed tearfulness, feelings of guilt and insecurity, apathy towards everything, anhedonia.
In general, I am one of those people who do not recognize their own weakness. It's very hard for me to share this. It seems to me that they will judge me, they will laugh at me, they will think that I am stupid ...
At such moments, you do not realize that you are not the cause of all the troubles on earth. I am all the time absorbed by some thoughts, thoughts about my future: how will I continue to live, what will I do? I know that this cannot be done. I know that you shouldn’t think about what hasn’t happened yet, but I constantly think that I’m losing my life, that I won’t achieve anything, I think that no one is interested in everything that I do. I think I'm doing it badly or not doing enough...
I'm trying to just accept this state, like it was in 2019 when I last felt this bad. Acceptance is probably the first step towards solving a problem. I am learning to accept myself again.
After consulting with an astrologer, I felt a little better. She said such a thing that I (according to astrology) is very connected with the moon, and advised me to write down my states in accordance with the phase of the moon. To track it down.
I know this may sound silly to a lot of people, but I have been researching the effect of the moon on the earth. Do you know how the moon affects the tides? So I think there really are people who depend on it. Actually this is a very interesting topic. Since I believe that our universe is intelligent, that it is alive, it feels and understands everything. And if we do not understand it, it only means that we do not know how to speak its language.
Sometimes you have to learn from nature. After all, all patterns in the world are obvious. And by observing nature, we can find answers to many of our questions.
For example mushrooms. Do you know about mycelia which are like blооd vessels in our body? Only they are deep underground. Everywhere. Under your every step, under your feet, there is a whole system through which our earth transmits information. It's like the internet. It blows my mind, honestly.
I highly recommend that you watch any documentaries and any films about mushrooms. These are very wise organisms, capable of giving and taking life from all living and non-living things. Mushrooms are able to decompose even oil (petroleum) They are at the beginning and at the end of the entire chain. It's really amazing.
Want a fun fact about me? I don't like talking on the phone. I don't like talking at all. It's always easier for me to write. Sometimes I don't even consciously pick up the phone when someone calls, I wait for a while and write a message with the text, "I was busy."
Every year I become more and more closed and move away from people. I feel comfortable being alone, but sometimes it scares me.
I am 100% introvert. I have almost no friends and I often prefer to stay at home than go to some noisy event. I calmly go alone to the cinema, exhibitions or shopping. Sometimes I even travel alone. I don't need company. I don't feel lonely or anything like that. I always find something to do.
But now, while I am going through another depressive episode, for the first time I felt alone. Two days ago, I went out with my buddies, and all I thought about was that I wanted to get home as soon as possible.
I wonder if there are similar people here who understand what I'm talking about?
I haven't left the house for 10 days. And for the third day I do nothing but draw. My brushes do not obey me, i cant nothing. I draw, I erase, I draw again, and so on in a circle.
I am very confused in myself, in my life. I don't know who I am, what I am, why I do all this, I have no purpose. Many years ago, when I was in a similar situation, I used every opportunity to close this hellish circle. I contacted with astrologer.
I know that many do not believe in this, I did not believe it either, and went to the meeting, simply because I was very sad and I needed help and support. Now I feel about the same, and I go to the astrologer again.
I do not in any way take this as a call to action and do not accept it as the 100% truth. For me now this is a way to figure it out, like a session with a psychologist who can find the right words and give me confidence. I know what he will say. But now I need it. I decided to take a break until Tuesday, that is, until tomorrow, until a meeting with an astrologer. I need to understand for myself how to move on.
I have always been lonely, but I liked my loneliness, I never suffered because of it. I always found something to do, and I was happy in it. But now something has changed. Now I feel lonely in a bad way. I'm broken.
I hope, a little later, I will be able to tell you about everything that happened to me and what influenced my condition, but so far I myself cannot understand this for myself. A lot of things are happening right now that are out of my control. I have always coped with everything, but now I just don’t have the strength.
Hello. I was finally able to finish this text. It is difficult to write about something now, because there is a chaos of thoughts in my head.
I constantly rush between the state: “do not give up, everything will be fine, this is just such a period. Any growth, personal, creative or spiritual, always goes through suffering. You need it now. Just let it go, don't block it." And Between the state of complete, total frustration.
I isolated myself from everyone. I draw a lot and learning, do exercises in the morning, meditate every day, go to stretching training, and think a lot. Maybe it's some kind of retreat. I dont know. Because sometimes it seems to me that I inspire myself with this, that I just feel bad. I do not understand. All this is influenced by many factors and situations in my life. I can't tell about everything yet.
But I seem to be watching myself from the side. And I noticed in myself a feeling of devaluation of myself. Now, sitting here alone with myself, I seem to clearly illuminate this for myself.
Every day I do a lot of work towards my goal, if not a lot, then at least one small step towards it every day. But it's not enough for me. I feel like I'm not doing enough. I feel like I'm not productive. I do too little to reach my goal. Or maybe I just can't wait? And I get upset because I don't see the result? it is impossible to get everything at once, at least in my case.Or is it just not mine, and therefore does not come out?
Hey! analyzing my jumps in my psychological state, I can say that now I am stuck somewhere between complete despair and hope. Somewhere in the middle.
From experience with depression, I know what despair looks like, at least to me. But I haven't reached that point yet. But I also can’t say that this is something like a bad mood, or just apathy. I do not know what is this.
Every day the soul seems to be torn into small pieces, every day I receive bad news and every day it seems that it can't get any worse. But despite this, I still do something. Sometimes I feel like it doesn't make sense, but I do it.
Every day I wake up early in the morning, and start with exercises and a glass of water, because I decided that now I will do a challenge for myself for a month. So far, it's not very effective, but maybe I need time. Then I shoot content while there is daylight, it gets dark very early now, so I have to get up earlier. I shoot content for my art account, main account and onlyfans.
Then I sit down for breakfast and watch Instagram reels, I watch a lot of videos and look for trends to do something like this. I need this to attract the target audience for the sale of paintings, this is very important to me now, because now I'm in a complete ass! In such an ass that you can’t even convey.
❗️Therefore, if you want to support me, you can always do it by purchasing one of my works! (My art page on IG (@_lysergicc)
Then I get trained. I study instagram algorithms, reels algorithms, targeting, etc. All this is necessary for me in order to attract people. How very upset I am when I don’t see the result, or rather, there is, but not what I need ... I give up, so I continue to cry according to the plan. I just sob for about an hour in silence.
Then I pull myself together again and try to do at least something in order to get closer to my goal. When darkness comes, I sit down to draw, but nothing comes out. It just doesn’t work, there is no inspiration and mood. I get even more upset and condemn myself for a long time for the fact that I am not capable of anything.
Then I meditate and try to calm down. Then I read a book and go to bed. In between these actions, I can also cry and judge myself. This is how my days go now. I do not leave the house and do not want to communicate with anyone.
Please do not feel sorry for me, I'm just sharing my experiences with you, maybe it will respond to someone and help 🙏🏽
Hi guys! Besides the fact that I am beautiful and just a good person😄 I am also an artist. I paint pictures with space, abstraction and nature.
You can always support me by purchasing one of my works. This is really necessary for me right now. 🙏🏽 You can see my works in my art account on instagram (@_lysergicc) or send me a private message and I will send you all the works available for ordering. I do delivery worldwide. I would be grateful for your help and support 🤍
you can also help me with information, share any of my posts in your stories, so that more people know about me 🔗 https://instagram.com/_lysergicc
No change in life comes to us in a state of hatred. If we do not love our work, then we do not leave this life lesson, but only aggravate it. If something is happening to us, then this is exactly what we need now. And why would everyone have their own.
There was and is a lot of pain in my life, it’s just that the world is arranged in such a way that growth is always in an alarming unknown, and not in an understandable and warm moment where everything is familiar to us. But if we love this state and understand that this is growth, then each anxiety will be like a new step for us.
I was not always in such a consciousness, but when I came to him, many previously closed doors began to open for me.
2️⃣ Let go of what goes Material life is full of attachments. We become attached to relationships, achievements, things, putting meaning into them and building a value system on this. But material life always leads to losses, since everything is finite and everything has its own cycle.
A favorite cup may break, people around may become strangers, relationships may end. Sometimes even experience can just go away because it is no longer needed. As soon as we are ready to understand that what should go will go anyway and there is no point in keeping it, new opportunities come into our lives. When you let go of one, you gain another.
3️⃣ Allow yourself to be yourself and others to be others Often we chase images in our head and it happens that these images are not our true desires and have nothing to do with where we really want to be manifested. Allowing ourselves to be ourselves means letting go of expectations, putting on masks and looking inside our true needs and where we really aspire.
Allowing others to be different is more difficult, because each person looks at life only from the position of his experience and often wants his values to set the rhythm for his environment. But, unfortunately, the world is so arranged that everyone goes his own way.
It's great to match someone else's values, but it's also great to remember that everything changes, and sooner or later you'll have to let it go 🤍
Today the first snow fell. But the feeling of Christmas magic does not come. Snow always brings me back to a carefree time and the feeling of a fairy tale. Takes me back to that cozy and warm time with my grandparents.
My grandpa had two dogs, he was very fond of dogs, especially poodles. Every morning and evening he went for a walk with them and I always asked my grandfather to take me with him.
I remember very well one winter day when we persuaded my grandma to come with us. I rush as fast as I can along a long corridor to get my winter sled. My body is shaking with excitement and the upcoming walk. Dogs bark and wag their tails happily. I am urging my grandma to dress faster. Here I am standing in the corridor in a funny yellow hat, I am wearing a children's leopard coat (artificial of course), I pull on warm fur boots, and my grandma hands me forgotten mittens.
When we got outside, the dogs and I ran ahead. Huge flakes of snow swirled under the light of the lantern. I stood with my mouth open and tried to catch as many snowflakes as possible. We reached a small slope, I got into my sled and grandpa pushed me down. And I, with joyful cries, rush down the slope in a race with the dogs.
Grandma and grandpa are smiling and yelling at me to be careful. After a while, I'm all wet to the skin, with red cheeks and a nose from the cold, I run home.
On the way, my grandpa and I made snow angels on the snow, and my grandma was indignant that we would get wet and sick, for which we fired snowballs at her 😅
Then we came home and while I was taking off all my wet clothes, my grandma had already made a hot nesquik for me.
It's such a great time and such fond memories. What a pity that my grandpa is no more, and we communicate very rarely with my grandma😔. Because of stupid grievances and the situation.
Sometimes I really miss them and our cozy and warm evenings 💔
I'm trying to catch a wave of creativity. It came to me again. There were several ideas for creating paintings, in another week I will have a new training for self-development. I made several points of the plan for 2023. Now I am working on them.
As a person who has had a long and protracted depression, I can say with confidence that sometimes in order to change this state, when nothing helps, you just need to start doing something.
You know, I heard this story from a psychotherapist. A man came to her who was in a terrible depression, he had problems in the family, business, and in all areas of life. He asked the therapist what to do. She simply answered him: "start to run." The man thought it was nonsense, but after a while he really began to run. A year later, he wrote to a psychotherapist that it really helped. He began to run, and after a while, magic began to happen. Everything started to change.
I know it's true because that's how I got over my depression 3 years ago. I started meditating. Every day 5 minutes before bed. And after 3 months, the same magic happened.
After the situation with anger, which I wrote about below, I lay at home all day, in insane despondency and self-flagellation. I hated myself, my reflection in the mirror, my life and everything I do. But I don't like this state so much. It takes so much strength and energy and gives nothing in return, except for a terrible state of emptiness and loneliness.
So when I woke up the next day, I decided that I needed to pull myself together. I am responsible for my life. «You have to be an adult, Valeria»
I started my day with meditation. Then I spent the whole day working on my paintings. I varnished them, put them in order, painted over the ends, sorted out old canvases, re-coated some. And in the process of drawing, I came up with several ideas for future works. It inspired me so much. Sometimes inspiration comes in the process, and so does the energy. In For the third day I feel better. I try to keep myself busy. I make posts, content, draw, shoot videos for instagram.
Today I still need to go to the store for canvases to draw new paintings and I also plan to finish reading the book 🤍.
I do not know how long this period will last, but I try to take everything possible from it.
My mother had a birthday, I ordered flowers for her to be delivered to another country. Paid for the order, but it was not delivered 😡
At this point, I was in training and I was constantly distracted by something that would check the message from the site manager or support.
I got very upset. The exercises were very difficult for me. I couldn't relax at all. When I left the training, the manager of the site where I ordered flower delivery stopped answering me. And then something strange happened.
I felt so angry. At first it was like a blow to the heart, then heat began to spread from the heart throughout the body. This feeling enveloped me, seeped into every cell of my body. I got hotter and hotter. Then I noticed how my heart began to beat very strongly, my hands were shaking. If this was a cartoon, then steam would come out of my ears.😵💫
After that, I became anxious. I sat down on a bench and looked at the corner of the house, behind which was the street through which I had to go in order to move towards the house. Music was noisy there, people were shouting, there was a lot of light. I sat and silently looked there, and only one phrase was spinning in my head: “I will not go there. I can not".
Anxiety increased and I did not know how to calm myself. I asked myself why am I so angry? And I started to get even angrier. Then I had a pinched nerve between my lower back and my left buttock. I wanted to cry. But I decided to go home.
Walk for about 40 minutes. I could not take the bus. At that moment, people scared me. I passed through a crowded street and came out on a quieter one. All the way I watched my breathing and tried to calm down.
After about 20 minutes I stopped at a traffic light and I managed to relax. I felt my body, it was very heavy, I felt how my thin, fragile neck was holding my body, as if it had been suspended. I looked at one point and did not move. And then I almost passed out right on the pavement.
When I came home, I went to the shower and tried to understand for a long time what it was? 😞
Hi guys. There's so much going on right now, I don't even know where to start.
While I'm trying to organize all my areas of life, my “roof” goes a little due to permanent stress. I want to share something less and less, to communicate with people too.
You only see a small part of my life, and perhaps many people think that I am living in a Disney fairy tale, traveling and lounging. No, it's not. Every day I struggle with worldly problems, stress, health, difficult relationships with people, financial issues, lack of inspiration and other mysteries of the life of an ordinary person.
But every day I choose not to drown in it, but to change myself and change everything that contributes to my discomfort. Every day.
But let's not talk about it. Let's talk about news number one 🙈 if you look at the photos, you will guess that I had a shoot for @suicidegirls 🤍
By the way, answer the question, are you subscribed to SG?
Hello guys! I wanted to tell you about the painting. Although this text will have little to do with the painting . It's more about my dad…
I noticed that every time I think about my father or when we talk on the phone, some time later or on the same day, I unconsciously draw pics of black holes. It is very interesting. I began to analyze this note. Maybe it's because I remember very vaguely one memory of watching a movie about space together with my dad.
My relationship with my father is not very good. Because he is a very complex person. We are very different with him and it's hard for me to communicate with him. I think for him communicat with me too. Of course I love him, but in my own way. It may seem to someone from the outside that this is not so. But I dedicate most of my paintings to him. I wonder if he would like it if he knew? I have a lot of resentment towards him. He almost did not take part in my upbringing, very rarely called me and rarely calls now. I try talking to him about it. I said that I would like him to call me more often, he only nodded his head in understanding, but he never kept his promises. He also always liked to drink and I was also very upset. We often argued over this. I don't know why my father is associated with black holes. He makes me feel that way…
Feelings of emptiness, misunderstanding, lack of attention, love and care. The feeling of a big sucking hole, into the abyss of my experiences. It's like a huge well. And I understand that some of my problems and feelings about this are projected onto other people who surround me, onto my relationship with them. But I don't understand how to work with it.
When I think about it, I immediately go to draw a black hole and sublimate my experiences there. and then I feel so calm and good ... And it works. Little by little these wounds heal. Maybe one day some black hole will be the last one? This is such a strange story.
What kind of relationship do you have with your parents? is there now or were there?
By the way, if you want to support me and my art, write me in dm about details. I have some available arts for purchase 🤍
Hey! 👋🏽 while writing a new post for you, tell me how are you?
❤️ Also, check out my new painting. What do you think about it? What emotions does it evoke in you? I want to talk a little about it in the next post.
By the way, this painting is available for purchase, if anyone wants to get one of my painting, write to me in DM -canvas without stretcher -40 cm -oil you can see my other works on instagram by nickname @_lysergicc
I don’t know how it is in your countries, but in my country, when I was little, it was customary for girls to keep a diary. Every girl had one. We wrote secrets in them, made various questionnaires for the boys in our class to find out who they like. 😄
I remember how always in such questionnaires in the column “what do you dream of becoming when you grow up” I answered “astronaut”. I have always dreamed of going to space, studying the stars and the universe. Then it seemed to me that it was easy and I would definitely become an astronaut.
But already at the age of 9 I discovered that I had seasickness. This does not only apply to ships. I get swayed everywhere. By the way, this is another important fact about me.
I get sick 🤮 on city buses, so I try not to ride them. I always try to get my route using the tram. I get sick in the car, especially in the back seat. Also in our country there is such transport as a “minibus”, I don’t know if you have it. This is a small minivan that stops at stops at the request of passengers. And in such diabolical things I just die. 😵💫 Sometimes I get sick on trains, but that's rare.
Therefore, most often I use trains, subways or trams, or planes for long distances to get around. On the plane, I also suffer from pressure, so I always keep a lollipop with me. 🫠
Therefore, in childhооd, I realized that I could hardly be an astronaut 🥲 Maybe that's why I draw space in my paintings :)
I woke up late, I have breakfast. During breakfast, I silently look at the wall, with one hand I hold a fork and eat a salad, with the other I sort out my hair.
Outside the window the sun, the last warm days of autumn. This year, autumn is especially beautiful. As if for the first time in my life I notice how the seasons change. As if before it was something ordinary that you did not pay attention to. And now I'm watching this tree outside my window and I see how its colors change.
I light up the cigaret. There are a lot of unread messages in the mail. Unanswered messages on Instagram, a mess at home, no orders for paintings, and no desire to do anything either. I look out the window and smoke.
A couple of days ago, my friend died in the w@r in UKR. This news knocked me out of my usual way of life, which I trying gradually established with all my might. It's like a sand castle on the seashore, you build it, but the next wave washes it away, leaving behind only sand that flows between your fingers.
I smoke. I drive bad thoughts away. But sometimes the feeling of death is so close. But none of the parents or teachers taught me how to deal with it ...
